Top ↑ | Archive | Ask me anything

Talking to Myself

Talking to myself, but I never listen.

Honest conversations turn into broken

Promises and explanations for decisions,

That were not my best. But when my mouth opens,

It seems I can’t hear a single word.

To no avail, they fall silent on deaf ears.

The voice of reason, so why do I sound absurd?

I’m just trying to make it clear,

That my foolish pride will be the end of me.

I need to make peace with myself,

But the inner me treats me like the enemy.

Hard-headed, I don’t need my help.

Will I ever see the bigger picture?

Will I ever hear that man trapped in the mirror?

Rant about Pot:

I take pride in smoking weed. Call me what you want, but I enjoy my smoking. To me, it’s quality time that I look forward to. I like being high. It’s always a good time. There are some days when I break because I can’t handle being awake. But when I smoke, i’m able to cope and I can finally breathe. It’s magical almost. I feel ok because now I know I’ll be ok. Smoking is pretty much my meditation time. I get to see things with an unbiased opinion. I can go from appreciating little things such as the amount of work that goes into a movie, all the way to seeing why I was wrong in that last argument with my parents. Things like these remind me how much I take for granted. When I smoke, I can stop and appreciate life. It’s beautiful when your eyes are open. You see what truly matters. It helps me feel comfortable being alive. I apologize that line was a little morbid. But yeah, that’s just me. Supposedly people who don’t smoke or refuse to smoke, “cuz it’s bad for you,” can experience this. Personally I think that’s bullshit but hey, I could be wrong. If you can, more power to you. But yeah I’ve went on long enough. Pretty much I enjoy smoking weed. I do it recreationally by myself and with the homies, but there are times when it keeps me sane. It lets me walk through my mind without any worries…Sorry you had to read that lol.

I’ll give you guys some less depressing stuff later in week or whenever I come back on this. Catch you later!!

Nervous:

Nervous. Afraid to get up on this stage, called life. This red carpet is paved with too many insecurities. My doubts and fears are the flashes of the cameras that blind me from my opportunities. I want to take a step forward, toward, my dreams. But I was confused about this green-screen called self esteem. I am my only critic. Always getting bad reviews because I can’t get over these issues. I don’t have enough tissues for these permanent tears. When my mind is finally clear, THAT’s when I imagine all of the sneers and jeers, all of the snickers and laughs, at the dude who can’t get past, a little shyness. I was always quiet. That was the only way I knew how to hide it. Because people could never grasp, the amount of regrets that escalate with each step I didn’t take. I’m tired of worrying about the mistakes I haven’t made yet. I just need to take a step back and a deep breath. So i ask myself, “Why should I open up my heart to this cold world? Why should I be judged by these people that don’t know how it feels to struggle with your self-worth? We all go through hurt, so why do I feel different?” I can’t even listen to my own words so I don’t expect you to understand the feelings hidden beneath these nouns and verbs. I just hope one day, my voice is heard…

Behind My Eyes:

If only you knew what goes through my mind. I go insane on a daily basis. I just want to find some peace among these changing faces. My mind, my heart, they’re constantly exchanging places. They’re always lost and confused cuz I don’t know which one to use. Abused by my thoughts I fall, to my knees at the cost that life put on me. Ultimately, alone is what I’m meant to be. The loneliness is just so friendly. I apologize for this sadness. I just wish you could peek behind my eyes and see the madness, and maybe then you could sympathize, with the young child who’s lost his smile. But even now there’s no more frowns, just fake smiles and permanent tears, like the face of a clown. I’m tired of dancing around these words. I just want to say what I want to say and not what I think is ok for the moment. Why should I care about the time being if I’m not being me all the time? Feelin like a mime when I try to get these thoughts out my mind. So as I sit idle on this Earth and ramble on about the hurt, I’m probably still misunderstood like a bible verse. But it’s ok. It’s my curse.

I’m definitely not a tumblr person, lol I know this now. But it’s cool, I’ll just give you guys some cool shit to read in between your pics and whatnot. Anywho while waiting for this new episode of Family Guy to come on, I figured I’d drop some more stuff. These next two would be considered dark by some people I guess. I just think they’re honest. I mean it’s how I feel, although not how I feel right this moment. But hey, feel free to judge haha. Also, they were written around the same time so they might be kinda similar. 

Real Love:

I want a real love. A love so sublime I can close my eyes and smile when I envision the times before you were mine. Cuz they all remind, me, how far up this mountain i had to climb before i was able to find, you. They all led up to, the moment where this restless soul finally found some comfort and truth, in another. I just want a lover with a dope personality covered by a beauty, matched by none other. Not a love where I’m smothered but a love where I can’t get enough of, your love. Cuz it’s like the cup of life that my heart sips when these hardships become too much and then I slip up, but get caught in the bliss of when our lips touch. I want a love that will stand next to me when I can’t stand at all. When life gets the best of me, I want a love that can help me stand tall. I just want a love that will fall, right into my arms, and lay her head on my shoulder, so I can hold her, until the day that the world is over… I need a love where being happy is not the saddest lie, but a love where my heart is finally satisfied, because finally I found my other side. But before I can express this kind of love, I need to take a moment and look inside, cuz even with this kind of love’s help, I still gotta learn how to love myself. Only then will I feel love and then, one day, I’ll find my real love.

Small Talk:

Who are you standing next to me? Where did you come from? The barrier of our personal space is broken and I see as your mouth is about to open. Your lips move to form a phrase and take us away from this comfortable silence. Then my mind becomes silent when I try to find something to respond with. My slow responses, are dull. Not at all interesting and my non-verbals are far from convincing. Thinking of something unheard of to keep your attention. But you would probably forget it in the next couple seconds. I don’t blame you. It’s all part of this awkward circumstance. As this dance of random thought ends, I wonder if I see you again, would we be considered friends or just strangers who shared an empty conversation?

Highlight

As we get high in the night, we say “Hi” to the lights of the stars that shine from afar. We reach so we can hold them close, much like the hope that we seek for a better tomorrow. We burn our sorrows just so we can borrow a temporary peace, just to piece together the pieces of this heavenly feather known as the “calm” that floats down and soothes the tension of our clenched palms. We take a deep breath and forget any regrets and any wrongs. As we relax, we let the world fall off our backs. Then we breathe. And now we’re free of the smoke that clouds our minds as we climb to a higher understanding of this world that we’re standing in. The stress ends and a smile begins while a cool wind takes away the ashes of our past sins…No matter what happens, we know that we’ll be alright. We keep our low eyes high to the sky and then we say “Hi” to life and then “goodbye” to the night.